It has been awhile since I have been at this keyboard.  Alot has happened and through the happening, I have come to know myself on a deeper level.    It serves no purpose to retell the stories so I won't.  The outcomes are the important events.

I have faced my youth and determined that I am no longer in need of the drama and trauma that made everything so difficult.  I re-evaluated a  35 year friendship and determined that self generated pain and codependence no longer served as a foundation for relationship.  I still love my friend, I simply asked that we determine if we can create a stronger foundation and leave the need to be a victimizing victim behind.

I embraced a husband that I had not seen for 21 years for no other reason than because we love the children we made together and they needed us to be parents for them during a difficult time for them.  And I only remembered the greatness of the love I carried for him in my youth.

I made the decision to accept the opportunity to re-parent my 30 year old daughter and help her gain the self esteem she was unable to locate in her childhood.  I learned that it is not possible to change the past and the guilt carried by the parent  quickly becomes the baggage of the child in adulthood.  Different decisions on my part as a parent today may forge a stronger future for my child.  I now KNOW that a parent and child are partners in life and there is no room for the adult ego if the spirit takes the reins.  All children respond to hugs and I love you no matter how many decades they have been here.

I discovered that it is impossible to make my family see me as I am now.  They are too busy living in the world of who I was and who they need me to be to comfort their own lives and all the baggage they carry.  The only way I can find peace with my own childhood is to let it be mine and not continue trying to make it "theirs".  Everybody believes what they need to believe and it is not my job to change their needs.

It has been a real time of growth.  I could not have imagined considering these to be my greatest accomplishments at any point in my life. 

I have also started taking a Course In Miracles and that is something I have wanted to do for years.  There is movement and light in my life and I am so blessed for every thing that has presented itself.

Happy Holidays to all of you wonderful Beings and thankyou for all the Blessings you bring me, even if you can't see them up close and personal.


 

So I have been scooting around the net over the past couple of days and found myself spending some time in Michelle Casto's internet world.  You can find Michelle in all sorts of places, including here on Gaia.   Michelle is a Soul Coach and I found her last year in my email from Mastery TV.  She has been kind enough to touch base with me on and off since that time and patiently watch me "consider" doing some real work.  It is interesting that the email came at a time when I felt that I needed to start the application process of all the knowledge I have been collecting over the past 40 years or so.  Information has never been an issue with me but action....well, I wasn't the best kid in gym class.  :)  I took the time to really listen to some of Michelle's internet radio interviews and discovered that she is really big on action and so, I am going to get active by answering the questions she has put out there in her 'TOP 11 SELF-REFLECTION QUESTIONS FOR YEARS END' here on her Gaia blog.  I feel these are quite possibly the most well thought out questions I have seen in the 'self-help' offerings I have dabbled in over the years.  The questions are just what I need to do some focused reflection at the end of a very interesting year.

I will be answering one question per day here on my blog.  I will do the final question on the first day of the new year since it relates to intention setting for 2009. 

I am amazed at how easily the energy has passed up the western coast of North America from Texas to British Columbia to bring me to this decision.  And, even more amazed at the timing.  I KNOW that as surely as I seek, sychronicity will continue to delight me.

I am off to reflect on my first question,

1:    What worked in my life this past year?  What did not?



http://brightmichelle.gaia.com/blog/2008/12/top_11_self-reflection_questions_for_years_end

Whew, I have been mulling this two part question around all day and I have come to the conclusion that it may take a bit more thought, however, I have come up with an answer or two to part one.  I have made the decision to start this project and come and go as need be until it is completed.

PART 1:  What worked....

My Garden worked in 2008.  I have always wanted to have a lovely garden like the "fancy" ladies but I never took the time to give myself this gift of colourful life.  It is odd how I would yearn and plan every year and not do anything except watch everybody else's garden grow rich and lush with living things.  My friend Linda helped me to see that I was denying myself this because I did not believe I was good enough to have such a beautiful thing in my life.  I accepted myself as being worthy of a pretty yard and garden and started my little garden and I found it to be such a pleasure to nurture the little plants, misting them every morning and every night.  I would put my things down when I reached the bottom of the stairs upon coming home from work and greet each plant and dead head the spent blooms, remembering to thank them for giving me such pleasure.  Gardening turned out to be something I did that gave me peace and connected me with something beyond myself and something deep inside of me as well.   I understand why people spend so much time doing this simple pleasure.  My gardening worked in 2008 and it is a joy that I will continue in 2009.  I recently re-connected with my son after a prolonged silence and discovered that he is passionate about his garden.  This is something we can share and a level we can connect on.

I wonder where these silly beliefs come from that dictate what we do and do not deserve and how they influence our very ability to try to do what we long to do so deeply inside.  Perhaps I will put that on my list to ponder in 2009, though the why is not really that important, maintaining the shift to doing is what is important.  Yes, again, I will continue to garden....it worked in my life on so many levels.

Setting boundaries worked in 2008.  I learned to really ask what it is I want in my life in relationships and the understanding that I wanted peace and self-respect brought me to a place where I learned to say 'no' to relationships that keep the old patterns of drama and trauma in place.  I spent so much of my life playing the martyr to my perceived needs of others that I found myself constantly pushing aside my own needs and wants.  I was always in a state of fear and hidden anger because I felt that I could not say no to others.  The truth is, I lived in constant fear of not being loved or accepted so I twisted and bent myself to the point where I did not even recognize myself as human at times.  Everybody needs boundaries.  Everybody, without exception and I now see that setting boundaries for myself and learning to say no not only invites self-respect, it also invites the respect from others that I thought I could not have if I honoured myself.  Now how amazing that is.  I want to keep the people in my life that I love, however, I find that I am not willing to keep them in my life if doing so means I must dishonour myself. 

Accepting that the past no longer exists worked in 2008.  This one was huge for me.  I can not change the past.  The past does not exist.  The future does not exist.  Only the present moment exists.  This is not to say that I do not ever find myself in the "past" or in the "future".  It just means that I have the ability to pull myself out of those thinking patterns in a split second because I truly understand the concept. 
However,  accepting that the past no longer exists does not mean that I don't have "old patterns" lurking in dark corners just waiting to draw me in.  It simply means I have some tools to continue this work in progress that is me.

Affirmations worked in 2008.  I love affirmations.  There is something very comforting about them and when I hit on the right combinations of words and feelings, well anything is possible.  I had this nasty planters wart on the bottom of my foot and it had been there almost 10 years.  I had another on my finger above the quick of my index finger.  I said "My body now restores itself to it's natural state of heath and wellness." and, after about 3 months I woke up one morning to discover that they had vanished. They didn't shrink over time, they simply vanished.  Whenever I don't feel well, I say this affirmation and get results in a few minutes.  It is as though it steers my mind somewhere else and I "forget" about whatever has been ailing me.  When I get panicked about money, I say "I have nothing to fear. God generously provides for me and knows my need and meets it."  The panic stops and there has never been a time that all did not turn out fine.  Mind you, I affirm for my needs to be met and so, I haven't quite hit my wildest dreams.  Perhaps in 2009.

Paying attention to what I eat worked in 2008.   I stopped eating wheat in 2007 and began following the Blood Type Diet at the suggestion of my doctor.  My energy levels are amazing when I follow this program.  However, I may find this one on the second part of the question list as well.

My relationship with my husband worked in 2008.  Now, we had a word or two in the year but nothing that could not be blanketed in the love we have for each other.  When we got married we wrote into our vows that we would never try to make each other change and that I would honour his masculinity and he would honour my femininity.  The vows are honoured.

My job worked in 2008.  I like my job.  I work in retail and enjoy the people I work for and with.  I enjoy the customers and am grateful to be of service to everyone involved.

Speaking up about my needs has worked in 2008.   This is another of those "ask and you shall receive"  things.  I have wanted to participate in a Course in Miracles group but could not find one in the area where I live.  I mentioned it to a friend during a conversation who is also interested in matters of the spirit and happens to be a local business owner.  Well, Carol has momentum and a few weeks later I was blessed to be sitting in a group that meets in the back of her Health Food Store at the mall.  I just lock up at the end of the day and walk down the mall concourse and fill my spirit with our wonderful teacher, Michael and fabulous new brothers and sisters.  I guess it is just networking.  Networking with the Universe.  :)  I have experienced this particular outcome on many occasions in many areas over the past year.  Just saying what I need to others so often brings me the words, "Wait, I think I can help with that....."  So often the person I am talking to either knows exactly the right person I need to talk to, the right place I need to go, or they were just about to get rid of the very item I needed.  It has been a magical year now that I look back on it with some focus.

I think I will end this blog here, on a high note and do the second part of the first question later.  I just feel too damn good about what worked in my life to think about what did not work right now.

Thank you all for being.

Part 2:  What did not work?

I thought about this most of the day, well, in between being focused on my customer's needs.  Anyway, it turned out to be a couple of things that, unfortunately, can really mess us alot of areas in my life.

Inconsistency:    I am one of those people who traditionally bursts off the mark with amazing focus and energy, runs as hard as I can and then stops just short of the finish line.  This pretty much covers my health, finances, relationships and projects in general.  I suspect it has something to do with "deserving" success in my life.  My first husband once said to me.."The only thing consistent about you is your inconsistency."  It seems to get less every year but it is still there to gum up pretty much any situation.  I will definately be working on this in 2009.

Lack of sleep:  This speaks for itself.  I am 54 years old and I need my brain sleep...beauty sleep is just a nice side benefit.  Nothing worked when I stayed up too late and got up too early.  Acting like I am still in my 20's doesn't work for me anymore.

Eating junk food (when nobody is looking):  Another of those really thoughtless endevours.  You think you can get away with it, but, the toxin build up lets you know otherwise.  Wheat really stiffens me up.

Leading with my emotions:  Another of those things that doesn't happen quite as often as it did but it does happen and it never works for me.  There are so many unhealthy emotional side effects that it just isn't worth the blast of raw energy it takes to come from that place.

Putting myself last on my 'To Do' List:  This is a big one for me and I have done it so many times this past year.  Sadly, I have done it more often than not with disasterous results in every area of my life.  The feeling of being out of control can create the most devastating results with the ego takes over and tries to regain control. 

Being a 'consumer' for the sake of consuming:  Everybody needs things sometimes but I find that often I have become a consumer of things that I don't really need but that I buy to fill other needs in me.  It doesn't work.  Many of the things I purchase quickly end in thrift stores.  This is waste on a larger scale.  It doesn't work.

Being a blonde:  Didn't work in the end.  I decided there were just too many old, brassy blonde broads in White Rock and somebody had to clear out.  I am redhead again.  It is a step toward honouring my soul..... :)...tthe physical representation of who I really am.

Well, I ended that on a humourous note. 

Thank you for being

Michelle, I must say that these are real foundation questions for reflection.  They build on each other.

Part 1:  What brought me happiness?

-my garden
-walking my dog in the morning before work
-honouring my boundaries, hard to do but very satisfying
-the day Linda and I bought wine, fine cheese and rice crackers and spent a summer afternoon pretending we were in Italy
-reconnecting with my son after a 10 year absence
-the opportunity to reparent my daughter
-hugging my first husband and feeling nothing but love and happiness for him in his life today
-meeting my daughter-in-law for the first time, she is amazing
-holding my grandchildren
-making a perfect meal and seeing my husband eat it with great satisfaction
-starting a Course in Miracles
-seeing Christ in a homeless mans eyes.......that was beyond words
-no planter's wart
-being able to actually feel the Divine in my life from time to time
-understanding that I do not know what anybody else's contract with the Universe is except my own...........this one came with unfathomable freedom

Part 2:  What brought me disappointment?

-my inconsistency
-I stopped walking the dog in the morning
-my own fear of any number of things
-I still smoke
- "popping" off at someone who didn't deserve it at all, probably more than one person if truth be told
-being unkind too myself
-my friend running away when I really needed her and then hearing her say that I didn't understand that she had a headache and it wasn't her fault that she couldn't be there for me (yes, I know that is an ego disappointment but I am still growing :)  )
-eating way too many of the foods that I know will slow me down and make me feel icky
-not making time to do the things I enjoy like paint, sew, write or even read one entire book cover to cover
-I did not follow a budget like I promised myself I would do at the beginning of last year
-being mean to myself
-my family believing lies about me and telling a few of their own
-the angst of defending myself
-not going out to dinner with my husband on our anniversary
-not asking the Universe for more than just enough to meet my needs

Well, looks like I have something to build on.

Thankyou for being.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!  HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO EVERYONE EVERYWHERE!  WHAT A WONDERFUL DAY!

Having said that, it is quiet in the house right now.  My husband is still asleep and my daughter is playing a video game while waiting for dad to get up.  There is a gentle snow falling outside and I don't mind it at all despite the fact that I live in a climate where we are not supposed to be getting this kind of snow.  I am sure this is just the Universe's way of saying, "Suprise!  You never know what is going to happen next so kick back and enjoy it."  :) 

Where was I successful in 2008.  Now this question brings interesting thoughts and feelings to the forefront.  Part of me says that I have not been successful at anything.  Another part of me says that I have been successful at pretty much everything.  Duality is certainly up front and centre on this issue.  I find it really interesting that I am unable to describe what success means to me, what it looks like or feels like, or would look like or feel like so I it is pretty hard for me to determine where I was successful this year.

I'll be back....gotta do some research on this one.


Back soon wonderful beings.  :)

Part 2:

It is many hours later and I have done some much needed research, inner and outer,  on the idea of success.  The first place I went to was the dictionary and this is what I found.

SUCCEED:
-to accomplish what is attempted or intended
-to happen or terminate according to desire;turn out successfully:have the desired result
-to thrive, prosper, grow, or the like

SUCCESS:
-the acheivement of something, desired, planned, or attempted
-the gaining of fame or prosperity
-the extent of such gain
-one that is successful=the plan was a success
-Obsolete- A result or outcome-  (now, this one I am still trying to wrap my head around, and am sensing that once success is acheived, the goal itself becomes obsolete and is the most desired outcome of any goal....but. like Scarlett O'Hara, I can't think about that right now....I'll think about it tomorrow.

and then I went to get the following synonyms:

-accomplishment, acheivement, advance, arrival, ascendancy, attainment, benefit, big hit, consumation, fruition, progress, prosperity, realization, triumph, victory, win

There were a number of other synonyms but I only chose the ones that really resonated with me.   So, based on my simple research, everything I did was successful to some extent because I am quite sure that the undesirable actions generated the desired outcome at some level, otherwise, I would not have done them.

However, if I look at the definition "the acheivement of something, desired, planned, or attempted", I admit to having a very small list to present. 

1:  I said no when it was difficult to do so.
2:  I planted and nurtured my garden to the best of my beginners ability.
3:  I maintained my weight loss of 2007 and did not gain increase any dress sizes.
4:  I manifested a lovely antique bed for my daughter just by trusting it would come.
5:  I am still here to keep working on it.

That is about it.  I am seeing the benefit of answering these questions because I am really looking at what kind of energy is present in my life.  It is also helping me to take a hard look at the choices I have made in 2008, and how putting off making a choice and creating a plan to make the need to make the choice obsolete ( big smile) is indeed a choice.  Free will to abdicate actively excercising free will.  Apathy is choice that rings louder than any other choice.

I did not write down any real goals for 2008 that I actively persued.  I have exactly the same things on my "to acheive" list for 2009 that I had on my "new millenium" list.  I am 8 years older and haven't done what I wanted to do in 2000.  I hadn't really looked at this under a bright light before.  I believe I know where my vague feeling of "hopelessness" eminates from.  It is so easy to get lost and then remain lost without a map leading to the treasure everybody is looking for.

I intend to present a very different list when answering next year because I will have some written goals to make obsolete this time next year.  However, I strongly intend to have one the same:   I am still here!

Michelle, if you are reading this work, I wonder, did you know the power of these simple questions?

Thank you all for being.

I'm a little behind with my list.  Well last night I had one of my greatest challenges, which is also the lesson if one chooses to view it that way.  Very tricky Michelle.  :)

Challenge:  Last night I had to find a way to get home after work.  The bus I usually take stopped running due to the weather conditions.  The hillside roads down to the beach were closed.  My first reaction was to cry and stomp my feet.  That only lasted a couple of minutes.  My second reaction was to stomp home in the snow and ice, resenting every step of the way and blaming the bus company if I got hurt!  Now that was productive and I caught myself almost immediately. (progress)  I ended up taking the one remaining bus as far as I could and walked the rest of the way.  A nice compromise. 
Lesson:   What I discovered is that it was not as bad as it appeared to be and that I was capable of getting home under my own steam even in undesirable weather conditions.

Challenge:  I had not seen my daughter or grandchildren for about 14 months after she suddenly moved away to another province.  Our relationship had not been the best for a number of reasons but the one thing I had time to reflect on was how I had become her enabler through what I "beleived" was being supportive.  I decided that one of the ways I could really be supportive was to say no to taking care of her and putting her in a position to take care of herself.  It was so hard but I  stood fast in my decision.  I said no over and over again even though my heart felt like it was breaking.  Since that time she has made some hard decisions that ultimately benefited her children.  She has gotten a job and does it well.  She helps with the household responsibilities and is working on her self-esteem.  She lives with my husband and I with the clear understanding that she is loved but I will not sacrifice my own wellbeing to enable her past behaviours.
Lesson:  "No" can sometimes be the most loving, respectful word in the English language.  And, I am capable of caring enough about myself and others to say it.

Challenge:  Seeing my first husband after 21 years.
Lesson:  Animosity only exists if you feed it.  And, time has been kind to me.  There is genuine growth potential for future use in this one.  We'll see how that goes.

These may not be earth shattering but they are the things that come to mind right now.  I suspect this little list may have the potential to become a monthly thing and then allow me to really take a better look at the things I perceived as challenges and the ultimate lessons and make use of them to move full steam ahead.

On to number 5.

Part 1:  What am I most proud of?

-I learned to say no and know I am still loved
-I cultivated a pretty garden and discovered I have a green thumb
-I learned to cook with herbs I grew in my garden
-I became a better friend, wife, mother, co-worker and nana after learning none of those roles required me tosacrifice my self respect
-I forgave without expecting to get anything in return
-I stepped out in faith and cured my plantar's wart
-I sewed a new outfit , I love to sew and it always give me such pleasure....putting this on my intention list
-I manifested many things last year buy simply trusting that they would appear at the perfect time and place in the perfect way
-I maintained my 2007 weight loss

Part 2:  What do I regret?

I regret:
   -not eating properly EVERY day
  -not getting the stair railings painted or the third coat on the porch
  -not getting my home in order, de-cluttering etc.
  -not saying no to  my daughter sooner
  -not getting my seasons tickets to the local theatre

Hey....wait a minute here!  My regret list is just a bunch of unfinished intentions and poor follow throughs.  I can do something about this and I am the ONLY one that can do something about this.

Ending this session now.  :)

Thank you for being.